Existential Crisis #1

I’ve been struggling a lot with the concept of my identity, particularly my relationship with art. For a long time, I had tied my self-worth a lot to my job. I’ve worked hard to dismantle this mentality and thought I was doing better, but in many ways, I still cling to this belief that I’m only productive if I make something.

I’ve always been a maker. If I’m not drawing something, I’m painting. If not painting, I’m baking. Not baking? Then sewing. Not sewing? I’m on the wheel making a bowl or a plate out of clay! Not making ceramics? Then I’m fiddling with one of my five film cameras. I’ve always had a natural curiosity and eagerness for learning and creating and it’s one of my favorite things about myself! But a friend recently posed a question to me that admittedly made me feel pretty uncomfortable.

Who are you if you’re not an artist?

I didn’t really know how to answer. I still don’t know how.

What does that even mean though?? Because honestly, yeah…who am I if I’m not making and hyper-fixating and fabricating somethings out of nothings?

I don’t freakin kno bro, lol.

What does it mean to just be a human? What does it mean to be PB? To be just Princess and not a brand or a maker or any other kind of label that has to do with creating something or being productive.

I’m not sure, but I do know that social media has made me pretty anxious. I recently deleted Instagram off of my phone after feeling like my feed was oversaturated with people who seemed like they were being so productive and consistent and making so many wonderful things with their skilled selves. I was starting to feel guilty and like I wasn’t doing enough, even though that’s not true. So I guess my solution is making this newsletter, where I could write about my thoughts and feelings and art-making, without having to worry as much about what other people were doing and trying to find who I am beyond the things I create.

But maybe I am also writing into a void. And I think I’m okay with that.