More than a few months ago now, I turned 29. It was a cloudy and rainy day, I had to pullover on a freeway exit and call 911 on behalf of my friend who was in a lot of pain (thankfully she’s okay), the park I was supposed to go to with friends closed due to flooding, and I silently sobbed into my partner’s shoulder because plans just were just! not! working! out!
What a day.
But thankfully, it turned around. My friends still showed up for me, we had a nice impromptu picnic in my parent’s garage, and we found a different park to hike/bird at despite it still raining.
All this to say that at age 29, I finally realize that I’ve unintentionally lied on resumés multiple times. I, in fact, am NOT adaptable to change. This season of my life, however, has been riddled with change left and right, at the most unpredictable moments and situations, and I am still learning how to not implode.
Late last year, I struggled a lot with my mental health, but I didn’t really reach out to anyone except for my therapist and partner. I might have been productive, eating regularly, bathing regularly, and being my overall high-functioning self, but I was slowly sinking and was not asking any friends, much less family, for help. I cried a lot for no reason and wasted away in bed most days, especially being unemployed. I felt like a huge fraud. I felt so mentally ill. I have no friends. I have so much love to give but feel like it’s not good enough and nobody would want it anyway. All the mean things I could think of just ricocheting in my brain. I had been toughing it out for so long just thinking it will all pass soon enough.
I can’t remember if there was an exact moment, but I realized maybe I shouldn’t just tough it out anymore. Maybe the chemicals in my brain are just not doing their thing? After some resistance, I decided to take meds again and after about half a year, surprise, surprise…I don’t burst into tears and fight constant feelings of despair and doom all the time. Wild.
I do struggle with my anxiety still, now that depression is not constantly clouding my mind, but life has felt more manageable. For the most part.
After months of unemployment (the animation job market is a bit abysmal at the moment), I finally started a new job in March and it was going to be a hybrid situation. The last time I went in office consistently was in 2020, pre-pandemic. Every other job I’ve had in animation has been completely remote, so it was going to be interesting adjusting to this change. Could I do it?
Yeah! …Kind of? But very haphazardly and with lots of self-doubt and panic. I’ve never felt so out of my depth! I was dealing with a lot of changes—physically and mentally. First, I never fully adjusted to the time change when I returned from the Philippines so my sleep schedule was still messed up. Second, I had to start commuting to work multiple times a week, which meant waking up early, getting ready to look presentable, packing lunch, and sometimes sitting in LA traffic for over an hour. And third, my meds were working and doing their job but I was even more anxious than usual. I’ve been feeling like everything around me was speeding up when I’ve been so used to slowing down and taking my time. It was difficult to get adjusted to and difficult feeling like maybe I wasn’t cut out to do any of this anymore.
AHHHHHHHHH!!!! !!!! !!!!!!! !!
Fast forward to July and it’s gotten a lot better. I’ve been adjusting, trying to find balance between work and the person I’m always endeavoring to be.
I think something I always seem to forget is that growth and change are both good but can be such a painful thing to go through. For a while now, I’ve been trying to imagine my inner child outside of myself and how that little kid would’ve wanted to be treated and as such, with or without meds, I guess I’m trying to honor that kid and trying to be more gentle with her.
Till next time.
Reading this is furthering my belief that being in your 20s is just one long, constant battle in pulling down the wall of defenses you've built up throughout your entire life one brick at a time. Sending you love always :')